Melkor n Mairon 4ever
by ramble40
Summary: Just a little one shot. Meant to be a funny version of Melkor recalling his run in with Feanor. Could be a start of a series of short goofy pieces from the Silmarillion. Depends on response. Either way I hope you like it. Went with M rating for language. Lots of foul language. You have been warned.


This is just a little joke that had been kicking around my head. What if the Valar were just a bunch of pre-adolescent kids playing house? What if Melkor felt as if he was the victim and he was just trying to get back at those he thought were being mean to him?

I own nothing.

* * *

~oOo~

Melkor kicked at the dirt in front of him in a most peevish manner.

"Throwing a piss-fit isn't going to change anything," said Mairon lazily.

Melkor kicked at the ground again and shot him a nasty look. If this fazed Mairon at all he certainly did not show it. He simply rolled his eyes and placed his hands behind his head as he reclined against the rock face, stretching his long legs out in front of him and crossing one foot over the other.

"Whatev," he shrugged indifferently and closed his eyes. This only irked Melkor all the more.

"Ugh, I just _HATE_ that guy, you know?!"

"Mmmm," responded Mairon.

"I mean, he slammed the door in my face . . . In. My. FACE!"

"How rude."

"And then called me a "jail-crow" or something, I mean what IS that?!"

"I'm sure I have no idea."

"Arg! Stupid pretty boy Fëanor! He's such . . . he's such a . . . an . . ."

"Asshole?"

Melkor whipped around towards the source of the new voice while Mairon lazily opened one eye. Melkor rolled his eyes. _Great_, he thought, _Ungoliant, as if things could be any worse_.

"What do you want," he griped with no shortage of annoyance in his voice.

"Excuse me," eight eyes blinked at him in mock indignation, "but I believe you are in my back yard."

"She's right you know," piped up Mairon.

"Shut up," spat Melkor. Mairon shrugged and returned to twirling his hair idly between his fingers.

She was right though. After Melkor's little run in that ended with him embarrassingly yelling at the closed door "I'll get you Fëanor! And your little jewels too!" he called up Mairon and they came to the Avanthar. It was the only place they could go where no one would bother them. None of the Valar was even remotely interested in this place and all of the Eldar were too scared to ever come here either. Melkor had originally made to go back to his old hangout up north; he was missing his old Balrog buddies and thought no time like the present to head out there. But that snitch Finwë just had to go running to Manwë and of course Manwë just had to send his two bitches Oromë and Tulkas. _What a couple of douchebags_, he thought. It was those two meat heads that had come and dragged him off the last time Manwë decided to give him a time out, for like three ages. They were always picking on him. Just because he wanted to play a little of his own music instead of that same tired ass tune that Eru was always playing over and over and over again. He knew he was not the only one who was sick of hearing that one hit wonder. The others just had their head so far up old Eru's butt that no one would ever say anything. Losers.

But the only drawback to coming to Avanthar was its current inhabitant Ungoliant. There was a time when the two of them would hang out constantly. They would sit around Utumno and drink themselves silly, making fun of Manwë and his prick-tease girlfriend Varda. But, after a while Ungoliant became a bit of a sloppy drunk. Yelling that she wanted all the lights off and that she didn't want to egg the halls of Mandos or draw dirty pictures on Míriel Þerindë's face with permanent ink. Some monstrous shadow beasts just can't hold their liquor. And so he, Mairon and the Balrogs just quit calling her. But they still came to the Avanthar and Ungoliant for the most part left them alone, until today.

Melkor gave her a disparaging look and turned back to Mairon.

"I am going to get those guys! I mean, who do they think they are anyway? Sons-a-bitches!"

"You're not going to do something stupid like you did with the lamps are you?" asked Mairon. Ungoliant snickered in behind him.

"That was an accident! I was just trying to turn them down!" shouted Melkor. "I mean who puts a molten hot searing liquid in a lamp anyway? It's like having a lamp made out of lava! A lava lamp? What kind of stupid is that? That's stupid!" Melkor flopped down in a huff.

"So," said Ungoliant, "what are you going to do?"

Melkor looked up at Ungoliant and the wheels in his head slowly began to turn.

"Uh oh," said Mairon with a giggle, "I know that look."

* * *

Melkor - Morgoth

Mairon - Sauron


End file.
